Be Better

It’s ALMOST strange how many people choose to lead and ENDURE dysfunctional lives and relationships…. I am happy and grateful for eyes that can recognise when something is not good for me. I’m grateful I can identify when my thoughts and behaviours do not reflect my best potential… I’m even more grateful for the divine strength available to me, to make the changes I need to be better each day.  @JayeMcken ‪#‎spiritspeaks‬ 

Between Rocks and Hard Places

If you’re human you’ve probably, at some point, felt like you were trapped between a “rock and a hard place”… quite a few times.  I would like to bring to your attention though that if you have been between rocks and hard places before, and dug yourself out to twll the tale,  there is a high    possibility that you have developed some proficiency, nay a talent, for difging and climbing out from under rocks. So, the next time you feel trapped under a challenging experience, allow yourself to be reminded that you’ve been schooled in rising from under “rocks and hard places.” You have the scars (medals, trophies, awards and degrees) to prove it. There is nothing too hard for you. You got this!! #spiritspeaks @JayeMcken

Pizza Love and Real Love

“People use the word ‘love’ a lot of different ways. Take me, for instance. I am often heard saying that I love my mom and dad. I am also often heard saying that I love pizza. What am I saying when I say I love my mom and dad? I’m saying that I care about them. I’m saying that I love spending time with them and that I talk to them every chance I get. I’m saying that if they needed me, I would do every humanly possible to help them. I’m saying that I always want what’s best for them. What am I saying when I say I love pizza? Am I saying that I care deeply about pizza? Am I saying that I have a relationship with pizza? Am I saying that if pizza had a  problem, I would be there for the pizza? (What? Not enough pepperoni? I’ll be right there!) Of course not. When I say I love pizza, I’m just saying that I enjoy eating pizza until I don’t want any more pizza. Once I’m tired of the pizza, I don’t care what happens to the rest of it. I’ll throw it away. I’ll feed it to the dog. I’ll stick it in the back of the refrigerator until it gets all green and moldy. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. These are two very different definition of the word ‘love’. It gets confusing when people start talking about love, and especially about loving you. Which way do these people love you? Do they want what is best for you, or do they just want you around because it is good for them, and they don’t really care what happens to you? Next time someone looks deeply into your eyes and says ‘I love you’, look very deeply right back and say, ‘Would that be pizza love, or the real thing?”
 
– Mary Beth Bonacci

Friends and Company

“‘You never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air’… inhale. .. exhale.”

All are equal, but some are more equal than others

I’m coming out with my own response to recent events that have, frankly, unearthed OUR prejudices.

Black People vs. Ni%&ers

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The Trayvon Martin case was a clear example of seeming disregard for the welfare and life of a young black child. I became aware of the line of rhetoric, which claims, “there are black people and then there are n__gers.”

The arguments: Black people are educated, employed, ‘dress normal and ‘talk right.’ And n__gers are unschooled, live on welfare, and talk wrong. Black people deserve respect and n_&gers don’t. For some, Trayvon Martin was a n__ger because he allegedly smoked weed a few times per week.

Today, because a black man or woman lights up, sags and dresses a certain way, he or she becomes less deserving of basic human dignity. I, in no way support irresponsibility or behaviours that lead to dysfunctionality, but even then, we aren’t stripped of our human right to respect.

The implications of such a philosophy are scary. When did we warp into a time where one’s humanity is irrelevant? The ideals of respect and dignity are thrown out the window when someone dresses or speaks differently. Our society has determined that people’s situations and circumstances are enough to forget our common humanness.

Gays vs. Fa&g*ts

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Last week, a throng of Jamaicans beat, chopped and stabbed to death a teenager of about 17 years. The crime was, he was wearing women’s clothes. A crowd of partygoers, some mildly injured, witnessed the onslaught. The other men, fathers, brothers, sisters, women and mothers just stood there… watching the angry mob murder Dwayne Jones.

The arguments: He’s not a gay. He’s a faggot. He deserved it. He knows Jamaica is homophobic. Did he really have to dress that way?

It’s mortifying that a ‘civilised’ people could conduct such a callous act. It’s perhaps equally shocking that well-thinking people would justify such an act. It’s the same as suggesting that a meagrely dressed woman has given an open invitation to her rapist. Interestingly, our politicians are mum, religious leaders could care less and the media… sigh.

The privileged many of our society has determined that normal has a look, a sound, a face, a dress code and oh let’s not forget, this normal also subscribes to traditional gender norms and a view of sexuality – which really don’t exist in reality. I put to you that there’s a new normal.

When as a society we construct rigid models of “normal” we risk returning to the dark threads of worlds history when being different was a crime punishable by hanging, burning on a stake, feed to lions or even imprisonment.

Whats also dumbfounding is the hypocrisy of our people, who are quick to accept the celebrity rebels among us who break gender norms and heteronormal rules, all the time.

ALSO, It’s disturbing that black people who can passionately articulate and identify as victims of racism can so easily suppress and oppress other minorities in their midst.

I long for the day when we can truly honour Dr. King. On that day, people will not be judged by the colour of their skin, but by the content of their character.

I once heard Tanya Stephens say, a man doesn’t become less of a man because he’s wearing tights pants. He’s just a man in tight pants. A [woman] with ‘bleached out’ face isn’t less of a woman because her face bleached out. She may have a problem, but it doesn’t make her less human and deserving of respect and dignity.

A cousin and friend of mine once shared that our values and belief systems are influenced by the mores of society and most of us will require an ‘unlearning’ of these harmful ideas we seek so hard to hold on to.

We have a lot of unlearning to do.

#Truth.

“All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.”

~George Orwell, Animal Farm

“Ism, Schism, Phobias”

lonely_boy_vol_2_by_pedrozsa-d33fnyh“Your experience of an ‘ism’ or a ‘phobia’ may be a reflection of your own insecurities.” ~@JayeMcKen

Your Authentic Self is Good

I see the good in myself and others. I am happy and grateful for the awareness that I am enough, complete and whole. As He is, I Am. ~ @JayeMcKen

Life School

Technology has created a gazillion entrepreneurs and specialists… many of whom are stuck on YouTube and Facebook. If you think you have a talent. Develop it. Hone your craft. No one was born a genius, a specialist or an expert. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. You’ll know you’re growing when, before you take the next step, you feel very afraid.

TRUTH UNCUT: Sex Ed. for Child’s Month

Today I’m coming out with a first-time, sex-story.

r810590_7237436 Early Sexual Initiation… Big words for ‘sex at an early age’ or even sex before legal age of consent. Not a phenomenon really. Losing one’s virginity is hardly special anymore. It’s the Caribbean reality that girls and boys younger than… let’s say 14 years old are engaging in some level of sexual behaviour.

 The world we live in doesn’t make it easier to stand up to sexual urges. Sex, sex, sex! It’s everywhere. Ready or not, it always comes.

I remember having sex for the very first time… barely scraping the legal age of consent. I was the gem of my mother’s eyes (still am), an intellectual, and a brilliant student who made ridiculously good grades. I attended a traditional high school where I was placed in the top 10 every term. I was also a devoted “Christian”… religion I realized however was no cure for horniness. Sexual urges happen. A ‘conscious yute’ isn’t immune to them. Ready or not, it will come.

You see, what many people fail to understand is that human sexuality is just that… human. And with being human come the natural thoughts and feelings about sex that can lead to sexual actions. As early as we become curious about our bodies we also become curious about other people’s bodies – ready or not.

In retrospect I wished I had waited, before having, what was, for me, a meaningless sexual experience at age 14. Even more important, I wish I had a trusting adult or youth-friendly source to help weigh the decision of being ready or not.

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Ready or not, many young people, as young as I was, will decide to make a test-run on the field without being sure that they are prepared for sex. Pointing us in the right direction isn’t encouraging us to have sex. Your guidance multiplies the possibility that we will be empowered to make better and safer decisions. Providing us with condom negotiation and safer-sex skills reduces the chances of unplanned pregnancies and the desire or need for abortions.

STI’s like HIV don’t seem to be disappearing any time soon. And if the early dialogue about sex is put off, trust me STI’s, HIV, and unplanned, teenage pregnancies are more prone to follow.

2007-775-failing-sex-education Ultimately, empowering us with sexual health information means we’ll make choices that could prevent contracting STIs like HIV. It’s as simple as that. Sex is not a taboo. Safe, consensual sex can be a wonderful experience for people who know what they are doing… Humans are sexual beings, and there is danger when we refuse to talk about it. Knowledge is power. Sex is going to happen. If not at 14, then it probably will occur at 44. Ready or not, it will come. Ignorance isn’t bliss. AIDS is proof, that what you don’t know can kill you.

Truth is, many adults and parents are themselves oblivious to the facts about safer sexual skills and they better realize that their #epicfail could contribute to our mistakes.

sex-ed

Crossing Imaginary Lines

Last Saturday while walking in Liguanea with my boyfriend, I had an encounter with a windscreen-wiper that sent me reeling. We had just left the salon where we added blond highlights to our hair and we were in high spirits. As soon as we walked by the Total gas station on Hope Road a windscreen-wiper asked, “Yow, a how unu a move like fish so?” (Hey, why are you behaving like gay men?) We turned to look him in the eye before continuing on our way. He beckoned to his colleagues at the intersection as we walked toward them, “Look pan dem fish bwai deh!” For a moment I thought the time had come. I would get just what I deserved for daring to be myself as I sought to cross Barbican Road to get to Sovereign Mall.

Another windscreen-wiper wanted to know, “Indian, why yu look like fish so?” (Indian man, why does it seem like you’re gay?) By this time, three of them were shouting at us while onlookers in traffic waited for the traffic light to signal ‘Go’. My boyfriend urged me to ignore the men so I did but unable to control his rising temper, he turned to face them and asked mockingly, “Would you like fifty dollars?” Without missing a beat one of them shouted, “Go suck yu mada! Is a knife mi want fi push ina unu chuot!”(Go suck your mother! What I would really like to do is push a knife in your throats!)

I walked ever more confidently to not betray the sense of dread that fell over me. A few minutes later, we crossed Hope Road to the Post Office Mall. I went to a printery and he went to a photo shop. While I waited for my order, I decided to visit him to see how he was doing.

I looked through the glass exterior and scanned the store but he was not there.

I panicked.

My boyfriend has a penchant for revenge and I wasn’t sure of the extent of his hurt.

Could he have gone to confront the windscreen-wipers at the intersection?

Is he dead?

I dug my phone out of the right front pocket of my jeans shorts and called him as my eyes welled up with tears.

He was safe. Seated in the store, hidden from my view.

I returned to Jamaica in July 2012 to work with J-FLAG. Since then, I’ve received a number of threats online in response to my advocacy. However, last weekend was the first time in a year that someone accosted me as I went about my business. Even while my friends encourage me to hire taxis to go from place to place, I insist on walking when I can because I refuse to live in fear of my own people.

Anti-gay attitudes are not as pervasive as they once were. Most Jamaicans still believe homosexuality is immoral and unnatural but they would never actively try to make a gay person feel unwelcome. However, there remains in our midst a self-righteous minority that believes it is their duty to rid Jamaican streets of the abominable sodomites that dare to defy arbitrary standards for gender presentation. They are brash, crass and bloodthirsty. When questioned about their opinions on homosexuality you find that their views aren’t that different from the religious folk who warn of the ‘gay agenda’: homosexuality is unnatural and immoral and gay people are a public health risk to ‘the [heterosexist] nation.’ The majority may never strike or threaten to strike a gay person but through their silence, they allow for the periodic deployment of violence by the few who think they are God’s servants on earth and protectors of our cultural heritage.

Jamaican heterosexual men have embraced a metrosexual aesthetic. They wear skinny jeans, neon colours, shorts, and some even change the colour of their hair with impunity. Popular wisdom tell us that verbal harassment has decreased because it’s impossible to differentiate gender non-conforming gay men from the average heterosexual man, but this is not true. The sexuality police have developed a sophisticated understanding of what a fish looks like, and last Saturday my boyfriend and I were too fishy for their liking. Even while some lines that once separated the fish from the mammals have been erased, others have been drawn. Jamaican gay men know these ever-evolving demarcations well and comport themselves accordingly.

Time and again, I see good people stand by as violence is inflicted upon defenseless victims. A man beats a woman who we assume to be his partner, but we do not intervene because we don’t want him to visit his wrath upon us. Instead of speaking out we question, “A weh shi kuda du so fi deserve dem lik deh?” A mother physically assaults her child in a public venue but we say nothing because we remind ourselves that Jamaicans don’t take well to critique from strangers. The onlookers in traffic may have sympathized with us but they dared not defend us. If these windscreen-wipers had assaulted me, many Jamaicans would have called in to radio programs and would sound off on social media to express that while they don’t ‘condone the homosexual lifestyle,’ they don’t feel it is appropriate to physically harm gay people. Some may even graciously offer a word of caution that we should be mindful of the cultural context and shouldn’t do anything that might trigger such a violent response from the sexuality police.

There are more voices championing tolerance for gay Jamaicans today than ten years ago, but these voices become mute when needed most: when a raging tyrant decides to act on a firmly rooted disdain for the sodomites that call Jamaica home. We acquiesce to the demands and values of the most uncivilized citizens because the culture still endorses and allows for the affirmation of their point of view.

I want to live in a Jamaica where eyewitnesses do more than bear witness to my shame and vulnerability. I want to help to create a Jamaica where voices of reason and love triumph over voices of ignorance and hate. Until then, these streets that my tax dollars help to pave are not safe.

But my hair remains blond in defiance.

About the Author

Javed Jaghai is an alumnus of St. Mary High in Jamaica, Lester B. Pearson United World College of the Pacific in Canada, and Dartmouth College in the United States. Starting Fall 2013, Javed will be a doctoral student in sociology at Yale University.

Follow Javed on Twitter: @Chatimout

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